i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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