Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
