She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
