I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
