remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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