Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
