he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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