No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
