Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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