I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
