you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I will be naked everywhere
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
