nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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