just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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