I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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