Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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