I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
