Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
