the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
