you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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