Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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