Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
