Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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