Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
you had me at cake vodka
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
