1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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