The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
