Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
