Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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