did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
