last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
