I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
