dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
