I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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