peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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