the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
