you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
