Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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