if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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