If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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