Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
