I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
