Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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