This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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