Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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