Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
