i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
