is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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