I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Terrible idea I love it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
