Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
