I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
