I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
