I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
