Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
