So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
